hold on dear life.

i'm in a phase where i'm trying to change for the better. and i think it's working a little, but i'm not one to judge myself.

but how can i go through this without having the feeling that i wanna confront people when i know something's wrong? and i might sound very selfish when i say this but when everyone keeps talking about themselves only and never seem to bother about me anymore, what am i supposed to do? sit down and keep quiet about it? well in my case, i have no say in this. even if it IS my own problem. i'm just scared i might screw up again. i mean like, i wanna say it but i can't. not in a detailed way la. but i feel so depressed. and now that she's no longer the one i cry my heart out to anymore since our friendship has died, i don't know how i can go through this any longer, i don't know who to complain to anymore. i don't know where's this friend i need to listen to stuff that i don't have to say to everyone else but him/her. 

if i keep this problem tucked away inside my heart for any longer, i might just crack. not mental crack, i'll have an emotional breakdown. nervous breakdown. and i can't take that right now. i don't know why my life feels so screwed up right now. isn't life supposed to be filled with screw ups that tend to get better in time? well, my problems just never seem to fade away. 

don't post any shoutouts saying i need therapy or i need to relax and calm down because that won't work. it'll just make things worse. make me feel worse than i already am. all i need is well; a friend. that friend that i can be my true self with. that friend that will still think of me as a good egg even if i'm already slightly cracked. that friend who would call me for 3 hours without each other saying a word and will put down the phone feeling like it was one of the most important long conversations we've ever had. but will that ever happen? at this point, my answer is NO.

wherever you are, i'm waiting. i need that friend. oh please God, send me that friend that i can talk to properly soon. the friend i would count as my sister or brother even if we weren't related by the slightest drop of blood or marriage.

This poem is dedicated to all my friends who have always been there for me.

Thanks for being there for me,
through good times and bad times.
I will be on your side even if the the world ends.
When the world is going,
I will be here,
now and until the end. 
You're my very good friends.
The ones that I look up to.
The ones that I run to, when I have a problem.
The ones that I talk to.
You're the friends who were always there for me.
I wanna thank you for all the things you gave and showed me.

And to you that left me.

I thought I had found the perfect friend,
But it only took about a week for that to end,
I thought there was hope left in my life,
But as it turns out, it was only added strife,
I thought for once I had done something right,
But I quickly corrected that oversight,
I thought I wasn’t useless or a bore,
But I was all that and even more,
I thought there was a purpose to my days,
But that was only a very short phase,
I thought you weren’t like all the rest,
But like those before, you failed the test,
I thought you would stay with me, at least for a bit,
But you decided it was better just to quit,
I thought life was worth living for a moment in time,
But the life I wanted could never be mine,
I thought the hunger inside had been fed,
But now I know, I was just being misled.
And now I think I’ve found another perfect friend,
How long before my heart is broken again?

and most importantly, to the friend i long to find soon.

I need to know if you’re my true friend, will you be by my side until the end? Can I tell you my secrets deep, and trust them in your heart you’ll keep? We are neither of us without our flaws, can you accept mine as I will yours? I’ll be a shoulder to cry on when you’re blue, will you be there for me when I need you? No matter how busy I will make time for you, if you are busy will you make time for me too? I will take your hand and comfort your tears, will you hold me and soothe my fears? I will give you joy and many warm smiles, can we share that even across many miles? I will not forget what’s important to you, will you remember what’s important to me too? With you my most favourite things I’ll share, If only I know do you truly care? If you can accept me as I do you, then I will know you are a friend most true.

well now, that felt a lot better; in a way.

byebye.